Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
