Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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