Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
