I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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