She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
