oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize