nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
