Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
