If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
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If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
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She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE