Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You ruined the universe
Randomize