She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
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The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.