my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
