atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
