why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
