Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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