that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
