fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
