But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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