just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
