I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
