Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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