Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
