Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
