am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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