Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
