My cat gives me a boner
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
