The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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