I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
