is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
