So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
