any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
