I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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