Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
