I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
