does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
