I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
