I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
