It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
