You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
