Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
