Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
