You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
