its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I AM VODKA MAN
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
