i may or may not be watching the land before time
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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