Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
