Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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