I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
