I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
