1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
