She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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