Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
