$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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