I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
