So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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